Friday, July 23, 2010
Love is a sick and ugly thing. I know this. I have felt it a few times...each time a different way. That's the thing with love...It is as indefinable as Art. Your love may be different from my love. You may require a different set of rules for your love than I do. And the cool thing, also the bad thing, is that there is no one who can regulate what is love and what isn't. If you feel love, you know it. You just do. It may not STAY love, but I for one prefer to think that it is in each of us...and maybe we get a taste if it every now and then...like a bud deep in our chest. Conditions for blooming may appear proper at first, and you start to experience the warmth and the rapture of it...But I think that the petals can close once those conditions fade away. I think that this is perfectly natural. The thing to remember is that they will open again when the correct time comes along. Those of us who are lucky will get to experience what life is like when that flower can find no reason to close away again.
I know..metaphors about love and flowers...wtf. I don't know. A recent situation in my life has me being all reflective and appreciative that I have at least felt the start of love before.You have to be able to appreciate the valuable things in life like this. Regardless of how a love may end, appreciate the fact that you had it, because so many others don't get to.
I think I had love...or, at least it started to be that true deep love, last year. But...I knew deep inside of me that it wasn't ready to be love yet. I don't mean like, brother-love or sister-love...I mean like, marriage-love-you-forever-and-ever even-when-you-have-diarrhea-love. It takes a lot to get to that point--right? Maybe? I don't know. Who does.
Anyway, I got scared of whatever it was...and I listened to my gut even though I didn't really understand...and it was a very tough thing to do. It was a hard situation for a long time. Both of us came out on the other end of that situation better and stronger than ever.
I cannot say that I am ready to try for love again...in fact, I would rather leave it alone for some time...to collect myself and realign my ideas about it all. So, the weird thing is that sometimes it hurts. The idea that you maybe weren't good enough for love...or that your fears about love were more intense than anything else. There may have been some jealousy in there too--who doesn't want happiness and a friend and partner and lovebug and cuddle buddy!? BUT...Those who know themselves well enough, they just KNOW when the time is right to try again, and when there are other blocks in the way that have to be removed first.
I guess I am ready to start demolition. It will take a while, but I will get there. And there is no rush...never should be a rush to get to love. But...I will acknowledge (in secrecy) the small but building excitement waaay in the back of my heart. It waits. Maybe for a year. Maybe for 5 years...but I know that it will continue to wait for me.
Kylie Minogue - 2 Hearts [HQ]
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